On Brains And Being Undead
I quit drinking in February 2014 so I could get my brain back. A side effect was losing 50 pounds without trying. This weight loss was notable and rapid, and it’s taken some time for my reclaimed brain to catch up with my external appearance. I’m still not up to speed most days, so I made this side-by-side.The first photo is a sweet snapshot my brother took during Thanksgiving 2004. Full photo is of my dad and me at our dining room table in Hattiesburg, MS. My brother recently posted it on Facebook in a private family album. Except, I saw it at work and my coworker saw it over my shoulder. When I told her they were family photos she quipped, “Who’s that, your aunt?”
More notable than the weight difference, a decade ago I looked a decade older than I was. I see the emotional heaviness. I know what that girl was going through.
At the time I lived in Pittsburgh with a man who had turbulent anger and depression issues. That marriage wasn’t all bad, but the bad things were pretty awful. So many things I did in that house were wrong: my housework was never enough, my comedy career was an expensive hobby and waste of time, even getting into bed with him was discouraged. He did as much in his power to stand in the way of my career and my happiness. And I couldn’t tell anyone. I made the best of it, but living with that hopelessness aged me. And I drank to escape. Looking at this picture, I see a profoundly Sad Sharon.
Four years after this photo was taken I finally got the courage to ask him, “What great thing are you doing with your life that means I can’t be in New York?” He didn’t have an answer.
I had an answer. His time was up and I wouldn’t let him hinder me anymore. It took a few more years to realize my drinking was a leftover coping mechanism not serving me well today. It was not only time to reclaim my brain, but take control of my happiness. The weight loss was an accidental outcome.
The second photo was taken this year by Mindy Tucker immediately after I woke up. Maybe it was a few hours after I woke up, I didn’t write it down. But it’s an accurate depiction of my appearance: I appear confident and …happy.
And I am happy. I live in a city I adore making art I am proud of with people I love and who love me. I’m still getting used to this new, old body. The outside changed pretty dramatically, but on the inside I’m still packing away the past. Many days Sad Sharon thoughts run through my head, even though it’s less often and no longer relevant. These changes didn’t happen overnight, but they happened. So I made this side-by-side as my phone’s wallpaper to remind me of this every time I click on my phone. I look at Sad Sharon now and say, “Look where you are today! I got you, girl.“
MotiveWeight http://ift.tt/1XCRUKC
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