If the boat is a rockin…
When I began my transformation via social media, it was a complete 180 from my former self. Previously, I was a voyeur who lurked about, but rarely “liked” or commented on postings. I definitely did not post pictures of myself, share my intimate thoughts and feelings, or tell how much I weighed via the internet (or anyone on the weight matter). I would tell friends I saw what they posted and commented in real life, but felt too insecure to try and take a place at the social media table. That changed when the pain got severe enough, that I wrote a desperate letter asking for help and formulating a plan. This was not based on the hundred-thousand health blogs or fit pages that existed. At that time, I had no idea what was out there. I constructed my own outline based on Chris Powell’s show on ABC, Extreme Weight Loss. I knew that a key element that existed for the participants, was accountability through going public with their pain and process. I wanted to mimic that accountability aspect. I started with email and my personal Facebook. I then asked a friend of mine, who is a writer, which blog site I should use, and she mentioned Tumblr. I created an account there as well as a Facebook page for my journey. I had previously been on Instagram and Twitter, but barley used either platform before this experience. Once I emailed my letter of intention, the doors were opened.
I was immediately encouraged, questioned, scolded, discouraged, mocked, and more. I felt like I had put something into motion, that even if I believed the negative feedback, it felt too late to turn back.
With each like I received, I felt seen. With each comment I received, I felt heard. With each new follower, I felt supported. After writing and posting a blog, I would shake with nerves and fear. Birthing blogs that feel like pieces of myself, and sharing them has been a fascinating experience. Once I hit publish, the words are no longer just mine. I have given them away, and they belong to the world. Anyone and everyone is welcome to read them or not, and comment on them or not.
Transforming from a person who felt so insecure about her appearance to someone who clogs your news feed with pictures of herself is extreme. When I was morbidly obese I would sweat profusely. I was mortified and embarrassed by this sweat. While hugging or kissing my friends I would apologize for all my sweat. It wasn’t until this month that I realized how profound taking sweaty selfies has been in releasing the shame I’ve carried with me for being a sweaty, morbidly obese, unfit woman.
I have a lifetime of internalizing almost everything, as evidence as to why I am not good enough (even sweat). I would typically correlate my morbid obesity with those negative internalizations. For instance, if someone didn’t like me I would assume it was due to my weight. This seemed logical, and was very convenient. A part of my growth through this transformation is the awareness and acceptance, that many people do not like me, and it has nothing to do with my weight. Longing to be liked and loved by everyone is an immature irrational desire and fear of mine. While maturing, I learned that quality of friendship is far more desirable than quantity. Yet, I find the juvenile parts of my self hyper focused on the relationships that are lacking or missing, versus the incredible relationships that do exist. How human to fixate on what I do not have, instead of what I do. Feeling frustrated about my feelings leads me to more of those feelings and more frustration. It is not surprising that I grapple with this, since having bandwidth for myself, for having human emotions has been a hurdle throughout my life. Being transparent and sharing my journey has been a tremendous help in feeling connected to like-minded people. That has been one of the most healing aspect of the communications through the various sites. I know that I am not alone, and that we all struggle. That is inspiring, uplifting, and motivating.
One of the most difficult aspects of this transformation is allowing the negative feedback to exist without it jeopardizing my resolve and self worth. Surprisingly, the negative response has not been from the horrible internet trolls that I’d feared. No, it’s been from my nearest and dearest. Numerous relationships that I have valued and prioritized have been affected. I guess this should not have been shocking, due to watching so many transformation shows. I know that when someone changes dramatically, on various levels, it shifts the dynamic and rocks the boat. Boy, has the boat been rocking! Having a relationship reality check can be positive, even if you ultimately discover that the relationship is toxic and unsustainable in its current condition. Some reality checks showed me how much love existed, and some have showed me how much dysfunction existed. All of this would not have been possible if I had not gone public with my journey.
I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning, the heartbreak I am having, and the happiness and self love that has filled me up. I am allowing space for myself to have every human emotion that I feel, and trusting they are all mine, and they are all valid. I have the wisdom to know which emotion to act on, and the perseverance to keep going, and the resilience to never quit.
The most incredible aspect of my Public Display of Self Love journey has been, that it worked! In eight months I have lost 75 pounds, and gained self-worth. My self love wasn’t manifested from being thinner. Rather, my self esteem is built around my self care. Investing energy into my self, has made one of the biggest difference. I did not believe in the past that I was worth the effort. I now know that I am good enough, lovable, and deserving of a happy healthy life. I have reversed numerous physical ailments, as well as psychological ones. I’ve surrendered my food addiction and replaced it with cross addictions (like posting sweaty selfies on social media) that serve me better. I am not striving for perfection, only progress. I am learning to create a balance between blogging my life, and living my life. I am so proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished in these eight months.
If it weren’t for social media, my Public Display of Self Love journey would not be the same.
Thank you for being a voyeur and reading, thank you for liking, thank you for taking the time to comment, thank you so much for sharing my words, thank you for following my journey, thank you for all the messages, thank you for all the love. Thank you for being on my rocking boat with me. Thank you for jumping off my boat if you needed too. Thank you for witnessing me, and holding me so tight. I say I am grateful all the time, because I am. My gratitude is abundant and anchoring me to my self love. I am grateful for myself and for you!
Thank you! Thank you! Xoxo
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